O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

1 Corinthians 15:55

1. Preface
2. The Burden of Grief
3. The Experience of Heartache
4. Deliverance of Grief 
5. Our Hope in Christ
6. Tribute To My Mother

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Preface

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II once said that grief is the price we pay for love. For 26 years of my life, I never knew exactly what this meant until something happened on Wednesday 20th January 2021 at 15:40. This is the date and time that my beloved mother passed away. In that moment my life changed forever. I felt like an orphan. For 26 years my mother and I shared the same shadow. We were not just mother and son, but the best of friends. My mother and I spend many happy days together. We would go for days out and enjoy each other’s company.

At the age of 57 my mother was diagnosed with leukemia, a form of cancer that attacks the blood cells. Her illness was over very rapidly. She started to feel weak and tired in November 2020 and by the afternoon of January 20, 2021, it was all over. My family and I never had the opportunity to come to terms with mum’s illness. What made this time very difficult is that the treatment was going very well, and mum had a good chance of recovering to a good measure of health. Sadly, during her treatment in hospital, she contracted COVID-19. Within a few days her battle against cancer and COVID was over. She put up a good fight, but alas her body could not fight anymore.

One of the great blessings of this time is the lack of fear and a peace she had in the Lord about death. The hospital staff told us that right throughout her treatment she had a peace and an acceptance of whatever happened. A real absence of fear in the face of death is only possible by a true faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God. Only in Christ we are prepared for death. I was ill-prepared for and the loss of my mother and best friend.

The Burden of Grief

One has heard countless sermons and studies on the topic of death and grief, but seldom on how to cope with what will happen to us all at some point in life. We all have different ways of dealing with grief. One thing is very important, a good support network of friends, family, and fellow believers. I cannot stress how important this is. If it was not for the kindness and support of my church family, I don’t know how I would have coped for the past few months.

It is a great comfort and joy to know that my mother is in God’s heavenly kingdom and in his loving care. However, that does not make her death and loss any easier to cope with. Yes, the knowledge that she is with the Lord is a massive blessing and comfort, but the loss of her is great and has left a hole in my heart and life. The blessing here is that when the Lord takes someone from us, he leaves what is best about that person with us. I have many precious memories of my mother, and this is one of many things I hold dear in dealing with grief. We learn from Scripture that our Lord wept when his friend Lazarus died. Jesus knew what it was like to lose a much-loved friend and what it meant to feel the pain and suffering of grief. He had memories of his friend and felt the anguish we all experience when we learn of the death of a loved one. Even though Jesus felt the lose he knew that one day he would see his friend again. We can also hold on to this as believers. If we are in Christ, we will see those again who have died in Christ. 

Grief is a very real thing and Scripture regards grief as a real suffering. Those who grieve are called, “bereaved”. The word means to be forcibly deprived. This is the state of being emotionally broken. In Psalm 23 David describes grief as “the valley of the shadow of death.” For many who suffer from grief it can feel like a pit of sorrow. However, God has promised to walk alongside us. David testified to this, “for thou art with me: thy rod and staff comfort me.” The Lord is our shepherd he will guide us through the mist, darkness, and cloud of sorrow. God’s presence is the only sure support in death. There is life in death and light in the darkness of grief.

There are three passages I would like to draw your attention to. The first is found in Ephesians 2: 12-13, “that at that time you were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

We were once cut off from the blessings and privileges of God by our sin and lack of faith. We were strangers without hope in life and death. However, now in Christ we have been brought into his love and care by Christ’s shed blood. His hope is more than a wish or desire; it is a sure, steadfast, and secure hope because our Lord and Saviour has overcome death and will give is the victory over the grave if we trust in him alone. Nothing else can give us this hope and joy. Jesus Christ is the only real hope in this world.

The second passage is Isaiah 53: 3, “He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.” Our Lord and Saviour was a man acquainted with grief, sorrow, and rejection. Never make the mistake of thinking that our Lord cannot identify with our pain and suffering. The Lord knows all about grief and sorrow. During grief it is important to talk and keep in touch with friends and family. However, there will be times when only God can comfort and understand. It is good to cast all our care and burdens on the Lord. Christian people are not made to carry their burdens alone. We have a great God and Father who teaches us to cast all our cares on him. It is good to remember the words of the hymn writer, Joseph Scriven, “What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear, What a privilege to carry, Everything to God in prayer.”

The last passage I would like to draw your attention to is John 11: 25-26, “Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

Jesus Christ has the power over death. He is the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in him will never die. Yes, we die a natural death, meaning our bodies will die, but our soul will live on either in Heaven or Hell. Christ rose from the dead and will give us the victory over death. One day our sinful body will die, and our soul will stand before God. On that day will you enter the eternal joy and rest that Christ speaks of in this passage or will you be lost forever and locked out of the Kingdom of life everlasting. Jesus asked a very important question in the passage to Martha the sister of his beloved friend Lazarus. This question is one that we all must answer before our physical death. Do you believe that Jesus Christ has power over sin, death, and hell? Do you believe that Christ Jesus can save you from the penalty of your sins and receive you into his loving care?

To the believer this is a great comfort. I know that it is true in my case. To know that my mother’s soul is in the presence of Almighty God and in his eternal kingdom has helped me greatly. This can only be said of those who believe in Christ and his gospel of grace. He who believes in the Son of God has life. “He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life” (1 John 5:12).

The Experience of Heartache

The most common symptom of grief is shock. It can take a long time to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. This can take a few days and even a few weeks. It took me a few days to accept what had happened. For some reason for the first few days, I thought my mother’s death was not real and was part of some vile prank by the doctors. I felt numb and could not understand the situation I was in. I was with my mother the day before she died, and she seem in good spirits and apart from looking a little weak and tired she appeared to be well. I was hopeful that she would fight off COVID and the cancer treatment was working. I had a great shock at 5am the next day when a doctor phoned to tell me that mum has taken a turn for the worst, and I needed to go to the hospital as soon as possible.

This sudden turn of events is the hardest to cope with when a loved one dies. One day they seem to be fine and the next moment the situation is very different indeed. When the reality of grief set in, I felt physical pain and hurt. The deep distress was at times too much to bear. Soon a profound depression clouded my whole body. There were days I would stay in bed almost all day and had no desire to do anything. No motivation at all was common for a few weeks. We had a long wait from January 20th (the day of my mother’s death) until the day of the funeral which took place on February 9th.  Those 19 days felt like an eternity. Therefore, I would advise to stay close to the Lord and fellow believers. The days leading up to the funeral can be very hard to deal with. You will feel tempted to withdraw from the world and be alone. Although being alone to mourn and grieve is necessary, too much time alone is not always a good idea. When dealing with grief finding the balance is difficult, but when friends and family reach out to you it is important to accept their help, support, and prayers.

The whole experience of grief is very stressful and taking care of yourself can be a daily battle. In my own case the mental and emotional strain felt like a tight elastic band around my head. The process of grief effects people in different ways. For those who have been caring for a loved one for a long time a sense of relief is common. For those who lose a loved one very quickly the shock will be there for a while, but when the reality sets in the facts can be hard to accept and cope with.

One emotion I felt was anger. I was deeply infuriated that the doctors could not do anymore to help my mother. I also felt anger towards God for allowing her to become so ill and taking her from me. This feeling lasted a few days. By God’s grace I repented of my wrath and started to realise that God knows all things and that all things work together for good. God is in complete control. I do not make any excuses, nor do I justify my sin of anger towards God. Having said that it is common to feel anger when a loved one dies. This can manifest itself in different ways, but if not dealt with soon it can turn to bitterness and will destroy your witness and faith. The devil will use this feeling to tempt you to turn away from God and to reject the things of God. I was reminded of the story of Job. The Lord allowed everything to be taken from Job, yet he remained faithful to God. Even though his family, wealth and health were taken from him Job continued to trust in the goodness of God.

Another aspect of grief is that first time back to the church building after the funeral. My mother’s funeral took place at Borras Park Evangelical Church in Wrexham, the same church we both attended (I have since left this church and become a member of another). For the first few Sundays all I could see at the foot of the pulpit was my mother’s coffin. This was very distressing for me. I could not focus on the sermon and tried to look anywhere, but that place where my mother’s coffin was just a few weeks ago. This will happen in other places you go to after the funeral. Returning to a favorite place or anywhere that you have been to with a loved one can bring back memories. Some memories will bring you comfort and peace as you recall a happy memory. Some memories will be painful as you feel the lose more.

God’s way is always best, even if we do not fully understand what is happening. We may not like the situation we find ourselves in, but there is a reason why things happen. In the case of my mother, it is possible that the Lord saved her suffering and pain in weeks to come. It is also possible that the Lord used my mother’s faith and lack of fear as a powerful witness to the staff at the hospital. I believe this is very likely as during her treatment I had many conversations with the nurses and doctors about mum. They were surprised by her acceptance of whatever came her way. The fact that she was undergoing treatment for cancer did not dampen her upbeat personality and sense of humor. The doctors asked me if she knew how sick she was because there was no fear at all showed in her attitude. I told them that my mother is under no illusion of how serious her condition is and that it is the Lord Jesus Christ that keeps her from fear. No-one dies too soon or too young. God’s will must be done. That can be a testing fact to accept, but the reality is God’s ways are higher than ours and his thoughts are not clouded by sin like our thoughts are.

Grief is still a new experience for me. My mother has only been gone for just over 6 months. So, the grieving process is still going on. Many say that time is a great healer, but I am not sure about that. Speaking to people who have lost a loved one many years ago I learnt the feeling of lose in some cases is just as raw as the first few days. Remember to cast all your burdens and cares on the Lord.

Deliverance of Grief 

Everyone who has suffered from grief needs help and support. One thing that was a great blessing to my family and I was the meals that a few of the ladies in our church made for us. My mother was the main cook in our house and when she passed away cooking good healthy meals soon become a battle for us. I am very grateful for all the meals and treats made for us during the difficult few weeks after mum’s death. This made the first few weeks of grieving much easier to deal with.

I also valued the many prayers and telephone conversations I had with my church leaders and fellow believers. Even a brief five minutes really helped. Just to know that there are people who care enough to call meant a great deal. During the first few days and weeks after the loss of a loved one the temptation to shut out the world and to be alone is very strong. Time alone to think is important, but so is the company and fellowship of family and friends.

Another great blessing was the letters and cards many people sent to me. This is a permanent way of showing love and support. I read many of them several times, especially in the small hours of the morning when the loss is more felt. It is a great comfort to read what my mother meant to so many people. The Apostle Paul wrote many letters to the various churches of the New Testament that offer comfort and hope in times of sorrow.

One such passage of Scripture is found in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 where Paul writes, “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.” Paul wanted to comfort the saints at Corinth. Remember, the Holy Spirit is writing through Paul. There is comfort to be found in suffering. This comfort will pass our understanding. Our hearts and minds will be at rest when we rest in God. The Lord has promised to send the comforter, the Holy Spirit. In John 14:26 Jesus said, “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.”

In Titus 2:13 the Bible speaks of our “blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ.” Our blessed hope is that those who die believing in Christ will be raised to be with him forever. God gave us the Bible to encourage us (Romans 15:4). It would be foolish to ignore our emotions during grief. Our emotions are God given and part of being human. However, it would be more foolish to forget our hope in Christ. At the start of this book, I mentioned a quote by Queen Elizabeth II about grief being the price we pay for love. The one who does not weep over the passing of a loved one displays a lack of love. All emotions must be acknowledged and expressed. This is not easy for some people, especially for those who do not normally express their feelings.

The emotional side of grief must be expressed and understood before the bereaved can move on with the rest of their life. In time new relationships and friendships will be made, but we need time to come to terms with this new life. When the time is right be careful and cautious. Do not try to replace a loved one. This puts great pressure on both people, as you will never find someone who is the same as the person who has died. It is common for a widow to replace their husband/wife with a partner. This is a good thing, but do not compare them to your former spouse.

Our Hope in Christ

Without Christ we are without hope in the world. The Christian hope is not a mere desire for things to get better nor is it wishful thinking. Our hope is real, because our hope is Jesus Christ, who is the giver of true hope. Christ has promised to keep us and protect us. No-one can pluck you out of Christ’s hand because Christ’s hand is in the Father’s hand. It is this hope that we must focus on during bereavement. When you are tempted to despair hold on to the truth of hope in Christ.

In Colossians 3:2-4 the Bible says, “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory.” This is a principle for the whole Christian life, but it is more important in times of hardship and sorrow. It is easy to focus on the grief and the situation you are in. Scripture tells us to set our mind on things above. This is where Christ is, and where our hope is found. The things of the earth can overwhelm us especially when we lose a loved one. Setting your mind on things above will help during difficult days. Grief is a very powerful emotion. Do not allow earthly things to consume you. Focus on Scripture and spiritual matters.

During those dark days it is good to remember that the hope of the Christian is a reality. Our hope is built on nothing less than Christ Jesus. He purchased our souls at the cross and gave us hope beyond the grave. The believer does not grieve without hope as the unbeliever without hope does. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 says, “But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.” This verse assures us of our hope as Christian people. In Christ we have an inheritance, incorruptible and undefiled that will never fade away (1 Peter 1:4). Peter goes on to write in verse 5 that our great blessing, hope and inheritance is kept by the power of God. What a great blessing and assurance that we are kept by the power of our great God and Father. All those who have died in Christ have gone to be with him, which is far better (Philippians 1:23).

Tribute To My Mother

On February 9, 2021, the funeral of my mother took place at Borras Park Evangelical Church, Wrexham. Below is the tribute I read out at the funeral in honour of my beloved mother, Cerys Ann Hughes.

We are gathered here today in the presence of God to give thanks for the life and times of Cerys Hughes. Writing this eulogy was one of the hardest things I have ever done, not because Cerys was my mother, but how on earth does one find the words to sum up the lady the Cerys Hughes truly was.

Mum was born in the village of Llay on the 17th of September 1963. She was the only daughter of Dennis and Valerie Rogers. What many of you might not know is that mum was a twin. Sadly, her twin did not survive birth. This may not surprise you because she had the energy and strength of two people rolled into one. Apart from a few months mum lived in Llay her whole life. During her childhood, she enjoyed Morris Dancing and learning the craft of knitting. A hobby she enjoyed right up to the end of her life. Mum married my dad on June 23rd, 2001, and her family meant the world to her.

For many years mum worked at Darland High School. A job she loved, enjoyed, and carried out to the best of her ability and many times, went above and beyond what was necessary. I remember many chats we had about her working day with her colleagues and how much fun she had with Debbie and other members of staff.

She was a vibrant soul, one who lit up the room whenever she entered. And she had that unique gift of putting a smile on everyone’s face. She was full of joy and always eager to help out, no matter what the problem was. She was many things a wife, a sister, and a good friend, but the best word to describe Cerys is “mother”. First and foremost, she was a mum. Everything she did was for my brother and I. She was a wonderful mother, and we will greatly miss her love, support and witty sense of humour.

Mum was also a Christian. Which means she trusted in the Lord Jesus Christ to forgive and pardon all her sin. She was greatly blessed by the ministry of Pastor Mark Thomas and Pastor Sam Oldridge here at Borras Park Evangelical Church and became a Christian under their ministry. One thing I personally will miss is the times mum and I would open our Bibles and discuss in detail the teaching and life of Jesus Christ. Her faith meant a lot to her and it is this faith that brought her safely into the arms of Jesus. Reading in St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians the apostle wrote, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” The message and hope of the Gospel is that when we leave this earth we can have victory over sin, death and hell. There is great hope and joy in death for the Christian, because to be with Christ is far better. It is a great comfort to know that mum is now with her Lord and Saviour.

Not so long-ago mum was diagnosed with leukaemia and was receiving treatment at the Christie Hospital in Manchester. She had the best possible care and support from the Christie, but sadly mum contracted Coronavirus and with her immune system being compromised her body could not fight off the virus. She passed away peacefully on Wednesday 20th January. Her passing has left a great hole in all of our hearts, and she will be greatly missed.

My lasting memories of Mum are simple: a hard-working, passionate figure of strength who never stopped loving and protecting her family. A woman who always spoke her mind, even when it wasn’t helpful, but that was what we loved her for. She was a woman that would always go the extra mile and put others before herself. She really was one in a million. And this is how she will stay and remain in our hearts and minds forever.

There is so much more I would like to say, but alas time does not permit. I would like to close by saying, thank you to everyone for attending today. My family and I are grateful for the support and care we have received from Pastor Mark and all at Borras Park.